Elizabeth the First Wife Read online

  But on this night, the yard looked perfectly lovely, and no one objected to the built-in wine cooler or the excessive use of pink and white balloons. Using printed invitations and the promise of paella, Bumble had gathered the family and a few friends to say goodbye to Maddie and me before our Ashland adventure. In typical Lancaster fashion, Bumble refused to stage any sort of potluck affair. Where was the control in that?

  As somebody who routinely hosted student and faculty get-togethers at my house, where invariably some poetry teacher in wearable art insisted on bringing Trader Joe’s hummus or two-day-old grocery-store veggie trays, I admired Bumble’s stance against random contributions of food. I also appreciated that I could just show up in my new shift dress and relax after days of getting ready for my trip. I was wiped out from the extreme cleaning jag I went on before my housesitter set up camp. I think I injured my rotator cuff vacuuming.

  As soon as I arrived, Anne Lancaster was on the move. Wearing a pink and green Lily Pulitzer tunic, because dressing to match the invitation was her generational cross to bear, my mother cornered me in between the rosemary urns and the iceberg rose hedge. She quickly confirmed that my father and I had, ahem, discussed the matter. She made it sound like we were hatching a scam to import exotic animals from Costa Rica instead of sending off a resume to a small liberal arts college. I said we, ahem, had, which was true, but I left it at that, as my father and I had agreed.

  Then she informed me of her plans to come to Ashland to see the play when it opened. She was bringing along Dependable Jane and Funseeker Mary Pat, otherwise known as the Girls. The trio had started the Faculty Wives Club at Caltech, now called the more politically correct Caltech Women’s Union, when they were young, lonely newlyweds married to brilliant scientists. Their enviable bond had lasted almost forty years. Dependable Jane could sell real estate in her sleep, which was helpful because her husband, a geologist, liked the ponies at Santa Anita a little too much. Funseeker Mary Pat, now a widow whose husband had been a chemical engineer, was Pasadena’s caterer emeritus. Her recent retirement had left the party scene devoid of mashed potato bars and salmon mousse terrines. The trio wanted to spend a girls’ weekend in Ashland seeing great theater, soaking up the artsy atmosphere, and consuming crumbles made from local berries for breakfast. Maybe, my mother suggested, I could even arrange a backstage tour and a lunch with the cast.

  It had never crossed my mind that my mother, or any of my family, would follow me to Ashland. But of course she wouldn’t miss an opportunity to take her moment, even if it was really my moment. Honestly, as immature as it sounds, I hoped that if I didn’t directly respond, her plans would evaporate. So I deflected any further questioning. “Talk to my assistant. She’s doing my calendar.” Yup, I threw Maddie under the bus and exited to the bar. I was beginning to understand the benefits of having an assistant.

  Maddie had invited a few friends, all of whom were named Emma. Maddie and the Emmas were huddled by the pool, texting and laughing at each other’s texts. All the girls were wearing bikinis and tiny shorts, but it was clear they had no intention of actually swimming. The late-May pool temperature and their general self-consciousness would prevent them from diving in. But ever since Maddie had signed on for the Ashland trip, she seemed to be walking with a little swagger. It was nice to see her come out of her shell. I only hoped she didn’t come too far out of her shell on my watch.

  I staked out a position on the patio, within striking distance of both the tapas and the sangria. I knew I should mingle with Bumble’s friends, mostly parents of the Emmas, who stood on the far side of the lawn. But those Brown Jordan chairs from the classic Summit collection were so cozy, I couldn’t bear the thought of walking across the lawn and engaging in small talk. I knew they’d be yakking nonstop about college admissions, as the parents of rising seniors. (Unless, of course, one of the Emmas was bleeding from the head, at which point they might stop, toss her a tourniquet, and then resume talking about SAT prep.) I was saved from pretending to care as Sarah plopped down next to me, positioning herself with a clear view of the pool to watch her girls. Younger and impervious to public opinion, Hope and Honor jumped into the pool with no hesitation. Sarah noted, “They feel no cold. How is that possible?”

  “Kids never get cold. I think the act of ‘bringing a little shawl in case it gets chilly’ is some sort of dividing line between youth and not youth. I don’t go anywhere without a fake pashmina. I freeze in my classroom while my students are barely dressed,” I said, pouring Sarah a glass of Bumble’s white wine sangria, hesitating a moment while handing it to her. “Are you on call?”

  “No, free as a bird all weekend! But Steven is, so he can drive home. I may have two glasses of sangria!” Sarah lifted her glass in a toast. “To escaping! So—are you ready?”

  It was a loaded question, of course. My bags were packed, the car was serviced, and all female-related products, battery operated and otherwise, had been removed from my bedroom, just in case my houseguest breached the perimeter. Plus I’d purchased a generous supply of Target sundresses and secured an excellent haircut and fresh highlights from my stylist, Begonia, at Joseph Josephs Salon. So in theory, I was ready. But did I really know what I was walking into? Definitely not.

  “I guess so. It’ll be great, right? And if it isn’t, it’ll make great material for my book. How perfect that a relationship expert like myself should enter into a completely ill-advised relationship with her ex-husband. I can do a whole chapter on why not to work with your ex. I’ll call it Why Exes Aren’t Sexy or. …”

  “I hope you come up with better chapter titles than that!” Bumble interrupted, sneaking up on us with bacon-wrapped figs. She passed the platter of tapas and joined the conversation. “How about The Shaming of the Shrew? Or A Midsummer Night’s Merde Storm!”

  That made us all laugh. It might have been the French or the sangria, but nobody could crack us up more than we cracked each other up. And once we were on a roll, watch out. So Sarah added, “As You Liked It…But Not So Much Anymore.”

  I tossed out, “All’s Well That Ends…in a Divorce and a Decade of Resentment.”

  “The Merry Wives of Windsor…Weren’t Married to FX Fahey.” Bumble snorted, most unattractively. By now I was having trouble breathing. Sarah wasn’t faring any better, choking on her fig and her laughter. Nothing bonded my sisters like mocking my potentially humiliating situation.

  Then a different voice joined in. “Somebody’s having fun. What are you playing?”

  We all turned to see Rafa Moreno, in a close-fitting white button-down and tan linen pants, holding a bottle of beer in one hand and files in the other. His hair had lost its perfectly groomed quality and his clothes were slightly wrinkled, as if he’d been sporting and gaming in the open air like some sort of minor Royal. His gray complexion had turned a sun-kissed olive, and his green eyes appeared to have been highlighted with liquid gold. What a difference a few rounds of golf (or a quick game of polo?) in the California sunshine could make. I was really regretting that open-mouthed guffawing with my sisters. How long had he been standing there? I tried to recover my dignity. “Just batting around some potential campaign slogans for Ted. How about ‘Sey-mour, Pay Less’?”

  “I’ll make you a deal. You stick to teaching, I’ll stick to politics,” Rafa replied, reaching for the tapas platter and popping one of those bacon-wrapped figs into his mouth. Then he directed his gaze at Sarah, who was clearly wondering about our mystery guest’s identity, judging by her wide eyes and slack jaw. He was smooth. “Hi, I’m Rafa Moreno. I work for Ted. You must be Sarah, taking the night off from curing cancer. Honor to meet you.”

  Sarah was charmed. “Well, this is an emergency of sorts. Our little sister needs some help. We really were brainstorming, just not political slogans.”

  Bumble couldn’t resist, “Yes, Elizabeth is writing a self-help book on contemporary relationships. Based, of course, on the romantic ideals established four hundred years ago by a guy
named William Shakespeare.” I was as red as the roasted-beets-with-goat-cheese skewers that Bumble offered to our new guest. She continued because she had the floor. “Of course, lately, Elizabeth’s own personal experience in this area has been restricted to singles’ night at Whole Foods.”

  I took the bait. “There are a lot of single men there. They’re not straight single men, but they’re single.”

  “Moving on from artichokes, I see,” Rafa said as he turned to me, and I made a mental note: Remove those Anaïs Nin books from the home bookshelves stat. This man must not know my secrets.

  Artichokes? Bumble and Sarah looked at me suspiciously, so I covered flawlessly. “Yes, I’ve completed my Shakespearean produce research, so now I’m moving onto people. There’s a lot of Shakespeare going on all around me.”

  ‘Really? Like what?” Rafa asked.

  “Well, for instance, after some careful analysis, I posit that Bumble and Ted are remarkably similar to the Macbeths.” This got a rise out of Bumble, so I continued. “They had some hot moments before things started to get, you know, bloody. They worked as a team of equals, the wife was a valued advisor in the husband’s work, and they liked to socialize with the peasants, I mean, the people. Together, they amassed a lot of power, and that created a very sexy, intense relationship. Just like you and Ted, Bumble!” The image struck everyone’s delight: Bumble and Ted and their witches’ brew of politics, publicity, and power.

  Rafa jumped in. “Then what happened?”

  “Lady Macbeth’s ambition outgrew her husband’s. Their communication devolved into manipulation. Passion gave way to paranoia. And they started murdering people.”

  “That’s never a political strategy I recommend.”

  Sarah piped up, “I’d keep your eye on Bumble, Rafa. If she suggests knocking off the Democratic challenger, you may have a situation on your hands.”

  “Or as my man Will would say, ‘Their hands and faces were all badged with blood.’ Not a good photo op.”

  Bumble was not amused. “We are not the Macbeths.”

  It was rare that I got the best of her. “You are so going in the book. I’ll just call you the Clintons! But you’ll know it’s you.”

  Rafa finished his beer. “Would you mind keeping that theory to yourself for, say, eighteen months or so? The attack ads could be pretty rough.” He was obviously ready to hit the road, and I felt surprisingly disappointed. “I’m off. Headed home to Acton. My niece’s Fiesta de Quince is this weekend and for once I’m actually around to play the good uncle.”

  “Is that like a quinceañera?” I asked, wanting to extend the conversation.

  “Yes, but the Argentine version. Less pink, more dancing. I have to learn some kind of minuet tonight.”

  “Your family must miss you,” Sarah said. “Do you see them much?”

  “Well, my mother’s learned to use Skype, so you never know when they’re going to drop in,” Rafa said, but clearly he didn’t mind too much. “I’ll be back Monday and, I think, moving into your house that day, Elizabeth. Great meeting you, Sarah. Thanks for the hospitality, Bumble.”

  Bumble had moved on from Lady Macbeth to Lady of the Manor. “Wait! I don’t have a gift for your niece. Do you think she wants a Congressional Christmas Ornament, circa 2009? I have a stash of those. Let me grab one!” Again, there was no saying no to Bumble. Even Rafa knew that.

  The delay gave me an opening. “Hey, I have an extra set of house keys in my car. I was going to give them to Bumble tonight to pass along, but I may as well turn them over to you now,” I said, hoping that my legs didn’t give out under the weight of his gaze.

  Please let me get to the car without tripping.

  The small white Porta Viaggio bag, once home to a spectacular roasted eggplant panini, now held a set of keys, a big bunch of basil, the first of my Early Girls, and the last of my artichokes. They were all intended for Bumble, but I felt the fruits of my labor could be used for a higher purpose. I handed over the bag to Rafa. “The keys are in here, plus some things from my garden. If you’re going home, take the artichokes to your grandmother. If she’s still alive, that is.” Ah, a lovely gesture made awkward by the specter of death.

  “She is and she’ll love these. Thank you.” Oh, he had wonderful manners. “And again, thanks for letting me stay in your house.”

  “I’ll leave a few pages of notes in the kitchen. Local restaurants, instructions for, you know, stuff.” The small-talk portion of the evening was not going well, so I tried a different tactic. “What kind of farm does your family own? Beef?”

  “I think beef farms are called ranches,” he managed to say without completely cutting me down to size.

  “That is true.” Beef farm? I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to grown men. I should stick to students and actors, period. “Does your family own a cattle ranch? You said your family is Argentine. Your people are known for their beef, aren’t they?”

  “They are. But the story is that when my great-great-greatgrandfather moved here in the 1880s, he worked on a ranch for a week and hated the stench, so he found a little plot of land, filed for it under the Homestead Act, and started a honey farm. He was a beekeeper. And we still keep bees. But over the years, we expanded and now we grow lilacs in the spring and pears in the fall.”

  That was no beef farm; that was Marie Antoinette’s playground! I was enchanted. “You grow lilacs and pears and honey. It must smell delicious!”

  “It does. You should visit sometime during lilac season. You can smell the blossoms as soon as you drive into town.” Was he actually inviting me to a weekend in Lilacville? I bet he’d look amazing in a lilac dress shirt. “They have bus tours you can pick up from the Glendale Galleria.”

  Apparently not. “Maybe someday. You know, I’ve planted lilacs three years in a row at my house, but they never make it. I think it gets too warm at night here.”

  “Maybe. They do prefer nights that get below freezing and days with warm sun. But lilacs are also very temperamental. Even if the environment is right, they still may not thrive. They need to be in just the right place. But they’re worth the trouble. They’re much more ambrosial than cattle.” Rafa smiled, showing off his large vocabulary. “Dulce Viento.”

  “‘Sweet wind’?” I was putting my limited Spanish to work. I spent twelve years studying French at the Eastmont School for Girls, because, really, who speaks Spanish in Southern California?

  “Yes, Sweet Wind. Dulce Viento. That’s the name of my family’s farm.” Rafa was leaning against a modest rental car, but it might as well have been a white steed. His Droid bravado was gone, replaced by humility highlighted by perfect teeth. Sweet Mother of God. I was pretty much ready to throw in the towel on theater, teaching, and good sushi and head to the homestead when Bumble came barreling out of the house with a dramatically wrapped re-gift. “Wait, don’t leave without a token of Congressional power! Plus I threw in fifty bucks—that’s enough, right?”

  The moment was over. Bumble thrust the package into his hands and headed back into the house to be the hostess with the mostest. The chief of staff responded to his boss’s wife’s back. “That’s very generous. Anna will love this. Thanks, Bumble.”

  Yes, teens do love collectible Christmas items in May, I thought, but I held my tongue and followed Rafa’s all-business example. Clearly he wanted to get on the road. “Let me know if you have any questions about the house. Otherwise, mi casa es su casa. Good luck this summer.”

  Just then my phone buzzed. It was a text from FX. I tried not to look, but it was like a siren song, and I took my eyes off Rafa for a second. I glanced down to read the words: Wait till you hear Taz’s concept. Mind-blowing. See u Monday.

  Mind-blowing?

  I looked up from my phone to see Mr. Manners waiting for me to finish being distracted. “Everything okay?”

  “FX. Text. Apparently, the production’s going to be mindblowing.” There was no explaining.

  Rafa wrapped up the conversation
neatly. “Sounds important, so I’ll say goodbye. I see you’re busy. Best of luck on your work, too.”

  And then, like a sweet wind, he was gone.

  The

  Macbeths

  FROM THE SCOTTISH PLAY

  HER: Loving, supportive wife with unfortunate ambitious streak. Wants to stand by her man, as long as he carries out the murder she plans and becomes king of Scotland. Known for her meticulous attention to detail. Wracked with guilt.

  HIM: A brave soldier and powerful man prone to self-doubt and vulnerable to prophecies from witches. Goes to great lengths to make the Missus happy. Wife accuses him of being “too full of the milk of human kindness,” but that changes.

  RELATIONSHIP HISTORY Literature’s original power couple. A happy, lusty marriage that gets way off track when one atrocity leads to another in their desire to rule Scotland. In the end, a lot of people die, including both of them.

  BEST MOMENT: Lady Macbeth calls on the evil spirits to “unsex” her so she can commit murder like a guy. Haven’t we all called on the evil spirits for unsexing at least once?

  WORST MOMENT: Lady Macbeth trash-talking her man when he refuses to commit murder. Emasculation and manipulation is never pretty, and in this case it really gets ugly.

  WHY THEY WORK: She holds the sexual power and he holds the knife.

  TURN-ONS: Joint alienation, partnership in crime.

  TURN-OFFS: Bloody hands, Banquo’s ghost.

  SHAKESPEAREAN COUPLE MOST LIKELY TO: Hold office.

  WHO THEY REMIND YOU OF: The Reagans, the Clintons, the Eminems, the Jolie-Pitts.

  CHEMISTRY FACTOR: 4 OUT OF 5

  CHAPTER 9

  Ashland, Oregon, a picture-perfect town in the heart of the Rogue River Valley, was once an important railroad juncture in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. Situated halfway between Portland and San Francisco, Ashland thrived on the rail trade, taking particular advantage of the orchard fruits from the valley. The wealth and power of the Southern Pacific brought with it rapid expansion, political clout, and an abundance of Victorian architecture and stately hotels. Nature also smiled on the little town at the foot of the Siskiyou mountains, blessing it with a natural spring that the Women’s Civic Improvement Club developed into a lush hundred-acre public park drawing health seekers from all over. With their good fortune, Ashland’s citizens aimed higher, developing a sophisticated small town with its own college and a commitment to the arts. The final jewel in Ashland’s crown debuted in 1935, when college professor Angus Bowmer established a theater festival that would become the world-renowned Oregon Shakespeare Festival.